My Fake Bake Fail

(Original post dated January 2010)

I DO NOT BAKE. I love to cook, but baking just requires too many measuring cups, too much precision and too many dishes to wash. Plus flour and sugar and such things are very messy.

Recently I was emailed a cake recipe that sounded like something I could tackle. The recipe is as follows:


* 2 cups flour
* 1 stick butter
* 1 tsp baking soda *
* 1 tsp salt
* 1 cup of sugar
* 1 cup of brown sugar
* Lemon juice
* 4 large eggs
* Nuts
* 2 cups of dried fruit
* 2 bottles of wine

Sample the wine to check quality.

Take a large bowl, check the wine again. To be sure it is of the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink. Repeat.

Turn on the electric mixer. Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add one teaspoon of sugar. Beat again.

At this point it’s best to make sure the wine is still OK. Try another cup… Just in case. Turn off the mixerer thingy. Break 2 eggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit.

Pick the frigging fruit up off floor. Mix on the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers just pry it loose with a drewscriver.

Sample the wine to check for tonsisticity.

Next, sift two cups of salt. Or something.

Check the wine.

Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Add a spoon of sugar, or some fink. Whatever you can find. Greash the oven. Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over. Don’t forget to beat off the turner. Finally, throw the bowl through the window.

Finish the wine and wipe counter with the cat.

Go to Wegmans and buy cake.

PS If anyone thinks I’m joking, this is what happens when I so much as even try to microwave already-made cookies:


I had to open the kitchen window and turn the ceiling fan on overnight to get rid of the smell and smoke emanating from my microwave.

I’ll leave the baking to my mother 🙂


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